"Dear Diary, I seem to be dead." -JTHM

Jake messaged me. He wants me to come to his graduation. I didn’t know what to say. I’m trying to be cool as a cucumber but it’s difficult. Someone I thought I had feelings for is sending me messages saying “Dearest Lauryn,” and “Love Jake”. I feel weird. It’s like he can sense the exact time I feel vulnerable in my relationship and he takes advantage of it. I have to be the smart one here.

Can’t let this happen again. That’s why I’m keeping my best friend at bay as well.

Lauryn
xXx

Nothing worse than realizing, that although you are crazy in love with your fiancé and don’t want to ever leave him, that you’re starting to grow some feelings for your best friend.
It’s gotta be one of those phases. Like a little “hey, I let you be close to me and you aren’t running for the hills and that makes me very happy” crush.
Lord knows the last thing I need is another situation like with Jake. I don’t want to lose another friend to this.

This sucks.

Lauryn
xXx

Officially pissed. I’m so sick of everyone being selfish. And only doing what they want.
I have to do some Christmas stuff. I asked for just a little help. Especially from Skylar. I asked him to look into a gift for his mom, and I asked him to talk to Chris for me about the tattoo gift idea. He had all day to do both. But he sat and played video games all day. And now I’m at his yayo taco jam session. All stuff HE wanted to do. All stuff he would have done ANYWAYS even if I had said I had a problem with it.
So fuck it. I contacted Chris myself. And I’m going to get his mother’s present myself.

Can’t fucking rely on anyone.

Lauryn
xXx

I swear sometimes I feel like I’m marrying another woman.

But without all the benefits.

Lauryn

xXx

Watched The Black Swan last night. It got me thinking. Which one am I? The white swan, or the black swan? I’ve always been in the middle. I like to go to shows, but I won’t drink or do drugs. I get into fights sometimes, but would prefer to verbally shred someone rather than physically. I have tattoos, but no alterations to my face. I wear mostly black, but will occasionally go for my old white tank top. I listen to loud music, but adore the sounds of a string quartet. And I’m nice to almost everyone. Until they piss me off.
I’ve always been both. The white and the black swan. It’s interesting actually. I think it’s something to be proud of. Once you get over the “oh shit I may be a skitzo” scare that is.

Lauryn
xXx

I really hope he knows how much this hurts.
He’s really breaking my heart…

Lauryn
xXx

I hate that house.
I thought for sure having the place to myself for a few hours a night would make it better, but it just makes me hate it even more.
I guess I understand why he has to spend all his time at school, basketball games, and recitals. But it’s still not fair.

If I wanted to be alone I wouldn’t have moved out of my mom’s house.

Lauryn
xXx

Things were going great. Visited my mom today, did some grocery shopping, made Shepherd’s pie for Skylar and I tonight… Then it all got fucked up again.

He mentioned his friend Amanda doesn’t work at Dunkin Donuts anymore. Well, I never cared too much for Amanda. I didn’t like the way she and Skylar talked. It made me very uncomfortable. I just mentioned that, and all holy hell breaks loose, like, how dare I not like this chick? How fucking dare I? He jumped to her defense so fast I almost didn’t realize what was going on. I probably would have let it all go, but he turned to me and said “Fuck your personal bullshit”. Who the hell does he think he is talking to me that way? Now this has nothing to do with this Amanda chick and more to do with “Who in the hell do you think you are??”

God. Rereading my blog made me depressed. I only update if something crappy happened. So it looks like it’s nothing but crappy stuff going on. I should break that illusion now. Things usually go great between him and I. This just happens to be the place I can sit and vent about the stupid bullshit he does and I sit through.

I should start updating when something good happens. So I don’t feel so shitty.

Lauryn

xXx

Things have not been going right. Decided to look through his phone for the first time. And as predicted saw something I didn’t like. Him asking a friend if he wants to go “blaze” later. Then when I confronted him, he sat there and denied the whole thing. Said he wasn’t smoking. BUT IT’S RIGHT FUCKING THERE. Does he think I’m stupid, or I don’t know the definition of “blaze”? Like an idiot though, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But it was weird… Like, I actually believe him. Even though shit is spelled out for me, I believe him. Hear me out. I didn’t see any hint of a lie on his face, or in his eyes. I know how he looks when he lies. He looks like a little kid. But he didn’t. He looked hurt. Then said “That’s just how we communicate” regarding the text I saw. God damn. Either he’s the best liar there is, or he’s incredibly stupid for saying that.

I already know he can be incredibly stupid though.

Lauryn
xXx